Day Twenty-two - What's my line, again?

Look, the calendar marks three weeks and a day before Ryan gets here. And at least two of those weeks should go by in a freaking breeze. Now, what I want to know, is why I feel slightly less optimistic and slightly more tired every day that goes by.

That's it. Last night I wore the wonderful pajamas that he got me for Valentine's. They were silky and delightful and reminded me of him. And well, why the hell did my heart break a little? I slipped into a comfortable sleep, but when I woke up, my heart still was a little broken.

I think he is holding out, a bit on me. I think I am going all out and he still has his reservations. I wish so much that I could shake this feeling off, but everyday I feel it more and more, to the point where I am anxious to see him, both for good and not so good reasons.

And it would be so logical and rational for him to hold back. He met this girl online, and he has spent a lot of time with her, also online, but I think everything dictates that he should hold off his judgement until after spending time with her in the flesh. Meanwhile, impulsive and stupid as I am, I don't have that. I am willing to change everything to fit his life. He may be moving, but I may as well be. Because there is nothing that would remain the same in a scenario where we live together.

Am I crazy? I don't think so. I hate this. This, clarity thing. I hate my brain overriding my heart. I love him so much. What if I am getting carried away? What if I am being my usual romantic self and leaving the small print for later? I don't want to. I want this to be as real as it feels.

I wish I could talk to him about all this. But, I somehow freeze whenever I try. And that, may be the worst sign of all.