Day Seventeen - Carry on up the charts

On days when I know I will see him, everything is okay with the world. It's the end of the week and I am planning what to wear. Here I am, feeling as vain as Layla, wondering what to wear. All I want is for him to say that I look wonderful, tonight.

Ernst came earlier and hugged me. Apparently he found out that I passed out the day before yesterday and had to take a trip to the clinic. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I would have treasured that hug maybe six months ago. I would have relished the feel of his arms around me and the smell of his subtle cologne.

And now all I felt was the possibility of a future friendship. I valued his act of kindness, but I realized we had never been friends at all. He was my crush. He knew that. We had that sort of dynamic going. He was unattainable and I was always running after him, trying to catch him. But we weren't friends. Now we could be. Maybe someday I could introduce him to Ryan. Or double date or something. But my feelings have hardly ever been as clear as after that hug.

Yesterday, I got a little annoyed. Not at my boyfriend, exactly, but at my inability to fly to him. As much as I wanted to, the last minute plans didn't come together. I had allowed my hopes to get up again. I really should never do that. I know this is extremely selfish, but sometimes its sort of frustrating how nothing ever seems to phase him. I want to know that he is also disappointed. Maybe even sad. He is either always ready with a smile, tired, or displeased without being able to talk about it. I know I usually wax poetic about all of his lovely traits, of which there are many. But sometimes I want to hit the guy over the head and beg him to just, you know, talk to me.

He seemed unsurprised to receive the news that I wasn't coming. He didn't even sound disappointed. Am I crazy? Just because something drives me nuts doesn't mean it should drive him nuts as well, does it? There are aspects of his maleness that I can't wait to start figuring out.

And still, we carry on alright. And tonight, tonight, none of this will be on my mind.