Day Sixteen - Everything is cool and froody

I claim that it is not moodiness, but I am still sad when those strange pangs of loneliness have an effect on my relationship. Once again, I never claimed to be perfect. And I am decidedly not. I work hard and try hard and at the end I expect to at least be happy with the results. I try to apply this to everything in my life. And this includes my relationship with Ryan.

Yes, I miss him. Through Skype or not, I miss his face. And I miss talking to him. I hate that we have different shifts. I would love nothing more than for us to be in sync for once. For us to be able to come home and comparable hours and not be always half sleep when we talk to each other. Those are my gripes. That, and probably the distance between us. Time and space. An entire continuum.

But to be sure, none of that means that I love him any less. He is in my heart now. He is a part of my life. I can't stress that enough. Sometimes that overwhelming feeling of emptiness takes a hold of me and I in turn do my best to ruin my relationship. I hate that about me. He is a man, after all. And for one, he is incredibly understanding of me and my feelings. And I am not exactly one to have it all figured out. Quite the opposite. I have mentioned before that I suck at long distance relationships and maybe everyone else does. Maybe I should just come out and say that I suck at relationships, period. And my record would back me up.

I want this to work. Whatever I have to say or do, however hard I have to try or work, I will do this. If I feel lonely is because I wish he were here. If I feel sad, is because it sometimes drives me nuts not to be able to do anything about the matter. That is all. Situations drive me insane. Seeing other couples taking their closeness for granted drives me mad. But that is only because I love him and distance takes its toll. Otherwise, everything between us is very, very okay.

We are perfect for each other. There has never been a time when we've seen each other than hasn't put a smile on my phase and sent a warm feeling running down my soul. I want everything he wants and call me crazy, but I think the feeling is mutual. I don't know how he bitches about things. He must. Maybe he writes, or maybe he just keeps it all in. All I can say is that if I have to put up with this much longer, I can and I will. We are worth it. Attrition and exhaustion may be one thing. But lack of love is an entirely different one, and one I have experienced many times.

I guess everything is in sync except for our worlds. For now, that is an awful thing to withstand. But as long as I feel love by him, everything will work out in the end.