Day Eleven - The Reminder

Somethings things don't work quite alright and I am always weary to talk to Ryan about that. About a month ago I burst into tears during a skype vid conference. He had been cold shouldering me all day long. To be honest, I have since considered the circumstances and came to the conclusion that there might have been a slight over reaction on my part. And no, I am not being sarcastic. I may not be much for tears, but my reaction was justified up to some extend. I wait so long and patiently for him. I give up sleep and time with people I like for him. I try to hold back the bad news as much as possible to focus on the happy aspects of our time together. I am certainly far from perfect. But then again, so is he.

I am not so much angry with him at the moment as I am exhausted with the prospect of these days, these disappointing days after longing so much for him, becoming more frequent. I am reminded that the honeymoon period may be over. And that thought brings me down to no end. Maybe, I saw this coming from miles away. I am so ready to go. So prepared to start the next stage of my life, a life that would include him by my side, that whenever I feel his reticence to let go of at least some of the things in his life, I feel unbelievably sad. As sad, possibly, as I have ever felt, but possibly more.

Last night we had a short call. I can't call him on the telephone as often as I would. Simply, because he gets bad reception from me and quickly grows tired of it. That's understandable. So I wait up for skype. Apparently last night the call quality was bad. Probably because of problems on my end. Once again, perfectly fine. Please, someone, correct me if I am wrong, but I thought we should try to make the best out of a bad situation. And I am sure that was on his thoughts as well. But I have come to known him well enough to see that he was getting increasingly frustrated with a few technical problems. He left the conversation before we hung up, meaning, his mind started doing that meandering thing that drives me insane. It was a chance for a goof, for an effort, to try and have as good a time as any. And the problems weren't really that bad, except for a some static on the line. I am probably making too much of a big deal out of this, of how I just felt so down when he seemed eager to end the call after I looked at him and told him we could absolutely cut it short. Simply put, I love him enough not to have to get him on the line every night. Yet, I would like to know that he is willing to put a bit more fight into things. Or else, this relationship will not work. Oh, God, sometimes I worry so much that I am, once again, going to end up bearing the entire weight of things, and eventually grow too tired to go on. I am in love with this man, this man who is not perfect, but might as well be perfect for me. This wonderful man, who is just so set on his ways I sometimes doubt that he could grow into mine.

To sum up. I am down. And I am also hoping that his visit will give us a chance to talk about things and maybe stop the doubts in me. Not about him and not about me. My doubts are about us. That we love each other, is something I know by heart. That the love can last through the small but heavy disappointments we both probably have to endure on a regular basis, I have no idea.

And if it can't, what am I going to to then? How do you let true love walk away?