Day Ten - Blasts from the Past

Before Ryan, there was Billy. Billy who has now called me twice today, and who is sticking around town for some insane reason. So far, I have been ignoring his calls. It seems pointless and inappropriate to talk to a man I was once about to marry. I think we hardly had anything to said to each other then. Now he is trying to get his life in order, which is perfectly fine. So far as he understands that his current life does not involve me in any way.

On making a clean break I have this to say: Sometimes, it is a necessary thing. Billy was a complicated man, even before I met him. While he had his moments of kindness, he was incurably in love with himself. I was just his enabler. He has always needed to be adored and worshiped and at the time, I was just about lonely enough to fill that role. He moved on to a different fix after we broke up, and I plain moved on.

One of the first things I assured myself when things started to get serious with Ryan was that he would never be just my companion. If I was going to embark on the long-term, committed relationship I suspected ours would be (the kind of relationship I had been avoiding like the plague), I wanted a lover, a partner and a friend. Not just someone to fill the voids or help me feel less lonely. I had a busy life and a full schedule. If I was going to make room and time for someone, I was going for broke. And so far I think I've kept true to my word.

Billy is still at kid, at 31. Ryan can be playful and childish, but he is definitely a man. Last week, when my ex showed up at my office, trying to give me a much belated apology (two years in the making, heh, he did let me know that maybe, just maybe, there was room enough in his life for me now. Or more specifically, that he would stay here and be with me if I wanted to take him back. "You suck at long distance relationships. If that other guy is willing to come here and be with you, fine. But if not, then I am."

He was half right, or at least somewhat correct. I do suck at long distance relationships. It's the whole reason Billy and I aren't married. I had to stay in town when I got sick and he had to move to his new job, more than a few towns away. He claimed more than once that I emotionally broke up with him the minute he took off. I don't know about that. I think it's a moot point. If we had loved each other more he wouldn't have cheated on me and I probably would have found a way to bridge the gap. And that's the whole story.

I can work day and night to salvage the tiniest part of my current relationship. I am that in love. I may be appallingly bad at the long-distance thing. I may be against online relationships. But that it's all also very moot. I don't care how hard I have to work or how long I have to wait. I don't even care how much I have to give up. I love a man who makes it all feel worth it.

Even waiting 36 more days just to see him for 49 hours.