Day Thirteen - Get what you need

I can't remember what it was that I want. Seriously. I don't really think I wanted anything very much last year. Probably, my one wish would've been for things to remain the way they were. And now, now it's a completely different story. I have plans for one. And for another, I have dreams.

Now, it's the dreams that eat me up. I dream of Ryan moving here. Which is in his plans. But what if those plans fall through? I dream of living a quiet (except for karaeoke and my music) and nerdy life with my lovely geek. I dream of the tranquil sort of happiness I never knew I wanted. And I can't figure out what I should or shouldn't want, or just plain, what I need.

I know that now I need him in my life. And that's another big thing. My heart has been broken before and I've always bounced back. Maybe I have even bounced back to easily. But if he breaks my heart, could I even stand that? Right now, I am waiting for him to pop up on Skype. It makes me smile when he does. It's a Monday and he has a day off, which means I won't probably see him for another hour or two. And that bit of knowledge also makes me happy. I get so much from what others might consider so little. I get Corinthians now. I get how love is not selfish or conceited.

What I need, now that we are fast approaching our fifth month together is to be near him. It's thirty-three days to go, for those of you keeping track. I can wait that long. But I just have no idea of how things are going to play out after that. I don't know how to be this person I have turned into. How I fit into this entirely new lifeplan.

I guess, what I really need is to talk to Ryan about this and see what he thinks. I am a born problem solver. I fix things. And now I need someone to help me out, to complete my thoughts and plans.

What I may really need is to learn to lose control and let things run their course.