Day Twenty-one - Like a freaking rock

Sometimes I run into trouble on my way to trying to be happy. And oh, do I feel like throwing away something on those days. I don't mind hard work, and I never have. I mind the stupidity that led me to take on much more than I could handle. I hate that of all the possibilities that crossed my mind last year, the one that included finding love never really occurred to me.

People tell me that I whine to much. And that may be true. But isn't this just the right outlet for any and all gripes? I can read back, consider and reconsider, and finally resolve not to sweat the small stuff. I wonder a lot if the stuff that I am sweating isn't the small stuff. When I talk about giving something up, it is never about Ryan.

Some days, like, yesterday, I get home sore from the living. Too much work, too much stress, too much rush and some great measure of loneliness. But he is my remedy. He makes me laugh and release everything bad into the ether. Maybe there is melancholy when I let him go, but that is usually short lived. When I close my eyes after they can't see him anymore, I let every good feeling wash over me.

I of course wouldn't like to rely this much on him. By the same measure, whenever he forgets to be almost perfect, he breaks my heart. But sometimes, I don't give a damn. He makes me feel wonderfully happy and in love. More importantly, he makes me feel like I don't have to solve everything on my own anymore. He is by my side. He is my good right hand.

And I have found a partner. At last. After all these years. I have someone to rely on.