Day Five - Wish You Were Here

I simply wish I could be less selfish. That is and has always been a fact. I try to compensate for it, I think. Overcompensate for it, in fact. But I simply can't resist the urge to ask Ryan to hurry up and be with me. I think about it all time, mostly because lately I find myself feeling increasingly lonely and lost. I do treasure those sweet moments I get to share with him. They are the best part of my day. But they never last long enough. I don't just look forward to the day when instead of turning off my laptop when I say good night to him, I can just roll over to my side of the bed, safe in the knowledge that my strong, kind, smart, witty man will be there to say good morning.

It's the lack of the simplest things that drive you half mad with longing.

When I was with Billy, I used to dream of separate beds. I made all sorts of efforts to love him, and I probably succeeded up to some degree, but I never actually wanted to sleep by his side. After the day was over, I wanted him to go home, to his own place, and let me start living my life. My bed seemed like the most intimate part of my life. I used to fake everything with him. I faked playing house, loving girlfriend, future wife, caring lover. And I did it to overcompensate my own selfish desire to find someone better. He might have been everything I thought I wanted, but my life felt empty, my days were hollow. When we slept in the same bed, as the song goes, we might as well have been strangers.

I never wanted anything so much that to be in Ryan's arms. Just his arms, which are a work of beauty, holding me whether I feel happy or sad. I try not to overwhelm his with these feelings of mine. He has his own life to worry about. But somedays it's all I can do not to beg him to come to me. There's a part of me that thinks that he would. And although that would be the beginning of true happiness, I couldn't never ask him to do that. I want to, so very much. My selfish streak viciously demands that I do that. It's not a common thing in me for my love to be greater than my selfishness. And so I wait.

My brother calls just to tell me how happy he is with his girlfriend and even, with his girlfriend's kid, whom he is planning to adopt. I feel all sorts of jealous. He deserves love and happiness, of course, much more than I do perhaps. And his road has not been an easy one. And yet, I begrudge him the fact that he can hold the lovely Linda in his arms as they watch a movie. I feel so petty, so small, so decidedly unfair. I just wish my life didn't feel in such a state of stasis. Trapped in a sort of limbo, only interrupted when I hear the love of my life say "Hello, dear".

Today, I had a bad day. I made important choices. In the next few months I will have to face many obstacles, most of them alone. All of that, in the interest of starting a new life. When my boyfriend gets here I want to have my life in order. I don't want to burden our relationship with the annoying minutia of all those things I have to fix. I don't want Ryan to fix my life. I just want him to share it with me.