Day Four - The Blues

Usually I live an entire day before Ryan wakes up. Even if we went to bed at the same time, which is often the case when I wait up for him to come to work and have dinner. Some unbelievably inconvenient inner alarm clock usually wakes me up at 7, even if that is one hour after I said good bye to my boyfriend. And I go about my business until he wakes up, which is usually a solid 8 hours after i bid him adieu. Ergo, the living of an entire, pre-boyfriend day.

I am a strange sort of creature, in that I like things that are to, you know, be. I am an impatient woman. Also, a clock watcher. I need, want and demand to know when something relevant will be taking place. And if relevant-event-A is going to take longer than relevant-event-B, well, I am also the sort of person to switch priorities. Yes, this relationship with all the waiting around it requires goes against most of the things I've grown to become. Not against everything I believe in, because, well, I always did believe I deserved a wonderful man in my life. But the instant gratification seeking part of me is constantly in a state of moody blues.

Ryan and I are not only separated by the distance (1600 miles), the time zone, the cultural barriers (though, to be frank, I may be the worst hispanic person ever), but also we live similar lives in an upside-down order. I wake up to go to work around the time he goes to bed. I usually go to bed when he is having lunch. And even when we happen to coincide (we never do, we both make the time and effort), one of us is always on the verge of falling asleep on the keyboard. For me, life for the last four and change months has been a series of wonderful heights and ocean-depth lows. Everything in me powers on when I see his face. And then everything in me proceeds to curse like a sailor when I can't.

Right now, I am staring at my iPhone. I have displayed the "Big Day" app, which is basically a countdown to March, 13, 2010. The custom message reads: "00042 Days until Ryan gets here and everything falls into place". The background image has the legend "Only love let's us see normal things in an extraordinary way". Usually it cheers me up to see the app. It has been counting down from 65, which is the date when he made his travel arrangements. I may, however, be in instant gratification mode right now. It seems like forever. I feel like going to bed after living an entire day already and waking up at 2:30 seems like a stupid idea for half an hour of face time with him. This entire effort feels pointless and too hard. That's the ticket. Everything seems too hard right now.

I guess that's why they call it "The Blues". Nevermind that in a few hours I will be up, after a nap, actually getting ready and putting on something nice so I can see my boyfriend through my laptop screen. I will be happy, ecstatic, really. Everything in me will just surge with a strange strength and I will feel like keeping him on forever. So what if I end up waking up two hours after we finally say our good nights? I will make pancakes, have an awesome morning, look at the countdown app and see "41 days until Ryan gets here, and everything falls into place".

Kids, only love lets us see normal things in an extraordinary way.